The last week and a half I have been waiting to hear back about a job. A job that I want, one that would mark the beginning of a career, a commencement of true adulthood complete with adult things such as a salary and benefits.
I found out that I was fortunate enough to make the second round which was an observed teaching session. I had a week to prepare a ten minute lesson for a six kid glee club.
The problem with parameters real or semi-real or completely imagined is that the majority of us get caught up in them, like fish in a net. The more we struggle to break free the more firmly we remain stuck, resigning ourselves to mediocracy, and complacency about it.
I taught a terrible lesson.
In fact, I didn't "teach" anything. I got caught up. Caught up in the timeframe, caught up in the ambiguity of the course, caught up in the six unfamiliar faces. And so nothing was taught. I presented two mediocre activities that were met with tepid responses, and then I left.
It started with the immediate, crushing feeling that I had completely blown it. My big chance, the one I'd worked hard to get and that others had been so kind as to help pave the way for. Severe frustration with and disappointment in myself because I knew that I could do better.
Over the following eleven days, it shifted to debate - it couldn't have been that bad. They couldn't be expecting that much. Then shame. Then sheer nerves, the constant feeling of being unsettled and uncomfortable. And finally that gnawing sense that I was not good enough. I was not smart enough. Not talented enough. Not experienced enough.
I was wholly consumed by self-doubt.
I am a complete coward in that, when faced with self-doubt, I retreat. I abandon. I leave all men behind. Faced with such utter shame, I start investing in something else. Maybe I'll go back to music journalism, conveniently forgetting that I went "back" to education because I was not good enough, smart enough, talented enough, experienced enough at journalism.
I was rescued from the doubt today. I did not get the position. I didn't get it because at the eleventh hour a current employee applied for it and will (rightfully) get it, not because I am incompetent and unskilled. And so, my fragile ego is restored, having survived its tryst with doubt perhaps a little wiser for the wear.
