tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-240484461335591452011-07-30T20:23:30.595-05:00Quiet as the StarsClairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12148212318474601060noreply@blogger.comBlogger21100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24048446133559145.post-41219011097051243822010-08-06T00:48:00.001-05:002010-08-06T00:49:14.941-05:00Self-doubt<div>The last week and a half I have been waiting to hear back about a job. A job that I want, one that would mark the beginning of a career, a commencement of true adulthood complete with adult things such as a salary and benefits.</div><div><br /></div><div>I found out that I was fortunate enough to make the second round which was an observed teaching session. I had a week to prepare a ten minute lesson for a six kid glee club.</div><div><br /></div><div>The problem with parameters real or semi-real or completely imagined is that the majority of us get caught up in them, like fish in a net. The more we struggle to break free the more firmly we remain stuck, resigning ourselves to mediocracy, and complacency about it. </div><div><br /></div><div>I taught a terrible lesson.</div><div><br /></div><div>In fact, I didn't "teach" anything. I got caught up. Caught up in the timeframe, caught up in the ambiguity of the course, caught up in the six unfamiliar faces. And so nothing was taught. I presented two mediocre activities that were met with tepid responses, and then I left. </div><div><br /></div><div>It started with the immediate, crushing feeling that I had completely blown it. My big chance, the one I'd worked hard to get and that others had been so kind as to help pave the way for. Severe frustration with and disappointment in myself because I knew that I could do better.</div><div><br /></div><div>Over the following eleven days, it shifted to debate - it couldn't have been <i>that</i> bad. They couldn't be expecting <i>that </i>much. Then shame. Then sheer nerves, the constant feeling of being unsettled and uncomfortable. And finally that gnawing sense that I was not good enough. I was not smart enough. Not talented enough. Not experienced enough.</div><div><br /></div><div>I was wholly consumed by self-doubt.</div><div><br /></div><div>I am a complete coward in that, when faced with self-doubt, I retreat. I abandon. I leave all men behind. Faced with such utter <i>shame,</i> I start investing in something else. <i>Maybe I'll go back to music journalism, </i>conveniently forgetting that I went "back" to education because I was not good enough, smart enough, talented enough, experienced enough at journalism.</div><div><br /></div><div>I was rescued from the doubt today. I did not get the position. I didn't get it because at the eleventh hour a current employee applied for it and will (rightfully) get it, not because I am incompetent and unskilled. And so, my fragile ego is restored, having survived its tryst with doubt perhaps a little wiser for the wear.</div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/24048446133559145-4121901109705124382?l=quietasthestars.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12148212318474601060noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24048446133559145.post-37346464782755101952010-06-17T14:57:00.001-05:002010-06-17T15:00:18.430-05:00Helllloooooo, new lifeFriends! I started a new blog. Which will be a lot like the old one... Second verse, same as the first? Anyway, Blogger just seems so much more user friendly, so I thought it appropriate to take a cue from <a href="http://www.maymare.blogspot.com/">Mary</a> and others and make the switch. Yes.<br /><br />I want to know what's going on in your lives! I hate living so far away from most of you and not being able to hear of your daily triumphs and trials. Keep-a me updated, please! Send me links to your blogs or whatnots so I can internet stalk the bejeezus out of you.<br /><br />That said, here's what's going on in my life.<br /><br />I just got an internship for the summer with the St. Paul Chamber Orchestra in their education department that I'm incredibly excited about. I went in on Tuesday mostly to meet some of the other staff and to get some materials so that when stuff really picks up in July, I can hit the ground running. Also, I have a cubicle (!!!) which, while perhaps appalling to some of you is incredibly awesome to me. I'm not super sure exactly what I'll be doing, but it seems like a lot of curriculum planning and getting things in place for all the education programs to be ready to go for the start of school and the orchestra's season come fall. I even am completely in charge of revamping and running one of the adult education programs - exciting! The woman that I'm working under seems great and I couldn't be more excited to start.<br /><br />Also, I just found out that I made the <a href="http://www.mnchorale.org/">Minnesota Chorale</a> for the 2010-2011 season! I'm only singing in three concerts for the season, but I am so grateful to be part of an ensemble (and in a choir!) again! One of the concerts I get to sing is Doc Severinsen's Holiday Pops Concert at Orchestra Hall which should be pretty fun. <br /><br />I also have been involved in this cool thing at Bryant Lake Bowl called <a href="http://salonsaloon.info/">Salon Saloon</a> that's been really fun. I am now the house band's singer. Next up: Singing a horrible wedding medley at THE WEDDING SHOW. Be there - 6/22 @ 7PM.<br /><br />Other bits: I have been substitute teaching (how many of you ever thought you would hear that?) for music classes in the Cities, looks like I will be involved in early childhood music classes come fall at <a href="http://www.macphail.org/">MacPhail Center for Music</a> and am still working for the Minnesota Orchestra as an education consultant during the school year. Oh, and I still wait tables to actually make a living. Which I hate. Especially when I have to wait on people I went to high school with who have "real" jobs. <br /><br />Drop me a line to let me know how you all are doing, pretty please!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/24048446133559145-3734646478275510195?l=quietasthestars.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12148212318474601060noreply@blogger.com1